Postive Shift

Awhile back I discovered a website. I was looking at different places on the Internet for information on kids/babies/pregnancy and I discovered this one blog about the realities of being a wife and mother. It's called Scary Mommy. At first, I was so happy to find a place where you didn't have to be perfect to feel accepted. I was getting so discouraged with the fake perfect pintresting mommies who I had nothing in common with and it was a relief to find that I was not alone. This blog had a section in it called Confessions. Here was a place to admit all your shortcomings as a mom with complete anonymity and freedom. A place to admit that sometimes you let your kid watch too much TV, or didn't serve them veggies or even let them eat cake for supper.

 At first, it was great. I liked it in the same way I like Hoarders...it makes me feel like I am not the worst person and maybe my level of "fail" isn't as bad as I think. Then something interesting happened. I started to think in the way of Confessions. Now I've done this before which is why I shouldn't be shocked that I did it again. I've walked around my house thinking of Status Updates that would be good for Facebook. I've mentally written a hundred blog posts before reaching a computer. Now here I am thinking of things to confess about my children, my family, my friends. And of course, they're never good. I started focusing on everything bad, wrong, unfair and just plain negative in my life. I realized this was taking a toll after I was talking to someone about Abby and the new baby. I realized that I was only talking about the bad things, her misbehaviour, her talking-back and general not-listening. I failed to mention how loving she is towards Isabelle. How she loves holding her and comforting her. How concerned she is whenever she cries. How much she helps during the day. How easy she smiles and her amazing storytelling's. How she pats your head or rubs your cheeks and tells Isabelle, "I love you little baby. I'll always be with you." I have missed all this because I have only been looking at the bad. This turned into greater frustration (for both of us) and more time-out and yelling which created more frustration which led to more and more timeouts. Things weren't looking good. So I decided one night (after a long day) that I was going to focus on the positive. All the things she did well. All the good moments. I deleted Scary Mommy from my bookmarks and played with Abby. We coloured, read stories and played Hide and Seek (a new favourite). And you know what...no time outs all day. She was a pleasure to spend the day with.

There was an Early Childhood Fair going on at a school nearby that all children turning 4 this year were invited to attend. There were booths set up all around the gym by different groups (pre-schools, Health Region, Music for Young Children, Library etc.) where kids would go and do an activity or craft and get a prize. I was debating whether or not I should take Abby since I didn't really trust her behaviour outside of the house. But I decided to take her anyway. And you know what...she acted like a typical 3 year old. Energetic, excited, willing to learn, and all around happy. Sure, she climbed on the gym mats when she wasn't supposed to but so did lots of kids. And she got down when I told her to. Yeah, she ran around the gym and played with her balloon but she also sat quietly and listened to the person giving her instructions and followed them. I've always said Abby is the single greatest source of joy and frustration in my life. But now I'm starting to think the frustration has more to do with myself and the unrealistic expectations I have. Hopefully this starts a new chapter, a happier chapter and a whole lot less Scary Mommy chapter.

P.S. However, Mark came out looking like a king compared to the other women's husbands. But then again, I already knew that!

Abby decided that Isabelle needed some toys and a story...

Early to Bed, Always to Rise

Life has settled into somewhat of a routine. Mornings are spent with breakfast, some running around (Abby), kicking time (Isabelle) and a cup of coffee (Me). Then if it's nice out, we go outside and play bubbles or chalk or in the treehouse. Isabelle eat periodically and goes for her big morning nap around 10:30/11:00. Abby and I have lunch around 11:30/12:00 and then she plays for an hour and has a "nap". The last few days she has played quietly for an hour then she's done. Yesterday, she actually slept but then again, she was up at 6:00 so she was kinda tired. After nap, we play more - colouring, drawing, play-doh and Isabelle has her big afternoon nap that hopefully lasts though supper (barely). Mark gets home sometime during that and I make supper. We hang out until bath/bedtime for Abby. Once Abby is "asleep" (playing in her bed) we go downstairs. Isabelle starts her fussy time until around 8:30/9:00 and then falls asleep. We go to bed sometime after that. I'm usually wiped by then. Last night I fell asleep holding Isabelle while we were watching TV. It was a glorious nap. Then I'm up two - four times in the night only to be awoken at 5:00 by Isabelle who doesn't want to go back to sleep followed closely by Abby who is convinced it's "Morningtime!" And repeat. I have a giant list of To-dos and I try to do at least two things on it everyday. Sometimes I get more, most days, I get less. My main goal is to get the dishes done before Mark gets home and supper starts. My goals aren't set very high but they're there.

We had a BBQ birthday party for my niece last Saturday. It was a lot of fun and it was great to see everyone again. Now Abby is obsessed with birthdays. She found the rest of the streamers and puts them up all over the house. And she makes a cake with her play-doh and blows out the candles. It's kinda cute except my house looks so messy with streamers going everywhere. A three years decorating skills are a little underdeveloped. But it keeps her happy and it's an easy cleanup.

Isabelle has learned to sleep in many places around the house. At night, she sleeps in the crib beside my bed. During the day, she has slept there too, in the crib in Abby's room, the swing and in the most convenient place that I've found...the laundry basket. It's perfect. If she falls asleep and we decide to go downstairs, I just have to carry the basket and it doesn't disturb her. In the evenings when she finally falls asleep, we put her in the basket and then carry her up when we're ready to go to bed (then transfer her to her crib). It makes carrying her around the house a lot more convenient. Plus, it's kinda cute!

Normal

While I have a few minutes, I guess I should update a bit. Both girls are having a nap. And by that I mean Isabelle is fast asleep in her crib and Abby is playing semi-quietly in her bed. This just highlights the differences between my girls. From the day I found out I was pregnant, these girls have been very different. I pretty much knew I was pregnant right away with Isabelle. Morning sickness was different, aches were different, back pain was way worse with Isabelle but heartburn was worse with Abby. I gained about the same weight with both but in different areas. And I carried Isabelle a lot lower than Abby. Delivery could not have been more different. I went a week and a half late with Abby, needed to be induced (for three days) and ended up with a C-section. Isabelle was a day early. Labour started naturally, lasted around 6 hours total (including the time I spent thinking I wasn't actually in labour) and was delivered naturally. Abby was over 10 lbs. Isabelle was under 8 lbs. And obviously the recovery is coming along differently too. At this time with Abby, I was still in a fog, questioning every little thing I did, or didn't do and bursting into tears because Mark left an empty container of orange juice on the counter instead of throwing it into the garbage. Seriously. The dog had to come over to see what the matter was. I kid you not.
Abby needed to be held constantly. While Isabelle is a cuddler too, after she falls asleep on my chest (just like Abby) I can put her down and she stays asleep. This makes those night time feedings so easy. I have no problem getting up three times a night to feed her if she goes to sleep right away after. Geez, that's easy! I have only used the Baby Trekker a few times whereas with Abby, I used it constantly. I have also stopped using the Milk Band. It's a bracelet that tells you when the last time you fed was and on what side. My thoughts now are if she's hungry, I'll feed her. Whether she just ate 20 minutes or three hours, it doesn't much matter. She's hungry. She needs to eat.
However, they are still sisters and there are a few similarities. They look alike. A lot. Isabelle is starting to get her own look now but she still looks so much like Abby. They both have lots of dark hair. Abby's was curlier at that age but it's pretty close. They both eat like crazy. They were born hungry and haven't stopped. There was never any problems breastfeeding or teaching them how to eat. They both love sleeping on my chest, being held so they can look around and see everybody and they both like the swing.
I can't wait until Isabelle's personality starts showing through. Will she be shy or more outgoing? Will she have endless energy or like to sit and play by herself? Abby is a bit of everything so it will be interesting to see what Isabelle is like. And so far Abby loves to play with her little sister. I was wondering if that would have worn off since Isabelle can't really play back. Abby doesn't seem to care. She loves holding her, giving her kisses and hugs and help to change her diaper (she stands and watches although I'm sure she would help if I let her).
As for me, I'm getting some more sleep and am starting to feel normal. All the pain is gone and I can walk around and sit with no problems! Yeah! The first Sunday we went to church, I tried to stand to sing. I couldn't get any breath to sing. When I sat down, I could manage a bit but there was no way I was standing for that long. This last week when we went, I had no problems and didn't need to sit at all. Things are looking up.

The Latest

I guess I had better update everyone on what has happened. Last I wrote, I was wondering if I was in labour or not. I had come back from the doctor's appointment with no news. So Abby and I had some lunch (still uncomfortable) and I put her down for a nap. After her nap, I started getting more uncomfortable so I started timing. They were about 15 mins apart but still not very consistent. Abby and I went downstairs to watch some TV. I had a little nap since that's the only thing that made the pain okay. Still 10 mins apart. Mark got home from work around 4 and we started supper. Mark made it because I was hurting too much. 8 mins apart. After supper, we (Mark) was cleaning up and it starting getting really bad. I kept walking around because it suddenly hurt to sit down (and it brought extreme contractions on). 6 mins apart. So now I'm getting a little nervous. I still don't really believe that the contractions are all that consistent but the pain is getting very real. So I call the hospital. They suggest to come in and get checked out. So we call the sitter, get Abby all set up, get the bags ready and head out the door. Still thinking that we might be back. We get to the hospital at 7pm. The nurses are in a meeting so we wait around in the TV room. I try and sit but it hurts and I get a huge contraction. I walk around the room stopping every so often (2 mins) to sway back and forth to alleviate the pain. At 7:30, the nurses come and check me. The first nurse says that I'm 6-7. I don't understand. So I ask her if what she means is that I'm 6-7 cms dilated. Yep, she says. She gets another nurse to check. Sure enough. The doctor arrives in the next 10 minutes to check again. Meanwhile, Mark is trying to get answers from the nurses as they are busy setting up all their stuff. Should we call Grandparents to look after Abby? Or is it too early? Oh no, says the nurse, she's having the baby tonight. So the doctor breaks my water to get things going. It must have been around 8 pm that he did this, I'm not too sure. This is the part where things blend together. Time passes in an instant and yet stands still. At 9 pm, I hear a cry and feel something being put on my chest. I looked down to see a squirming pinky purple baby laying there. All I could do was stare at her and say hello. Over and over. The nurses were wiping her off while I stared with amazement. It took another 45 minutes to get everything else finished up (I'll spare you the gory and painful details) and at 10 pm, Isabelle Mary had her first real meal in this world. I still couldn't believe it had all really happened. I spent the next few days in the hospital. My parents came and took Abby to their house for those days so we could concentrate on healing and getting used to Isabelle. So far she's fitting nicely in our little family. Abby is thrilled to be a big sister and takes very good care of Isabelle. She is very gentle and eager to help.

 This morning, we went out a bought Abby a big girl bike. Every big girl needs a bike. Her first trip out with it, she took a corner too tight and fell off. She got three band-aids from that one (which joined the one on her neck form doing up the helmet when she squirmed, and the two on her tummy when she scraped it falling off the chair). She's had a rough day. But she got right back on the bike (after cuddles) and rode down the street with Daddy. She finally settled down for a nap after promises of more bike rides. This weather had better turn around soon because I have a kid with too much energy and too many big girl things to do. Isabelle could use some time in the sun too. I think we all could.

 

True or False

I went to sleep last night with really strong Braxton-Hicks - quite painful. But I told myself that if they were real contractions, then they would wake me up. I woke up around midnight to pee, 3 am to talk to Abby and 5 am to again talk to Abby and finally at 5:30 convince Abby it was still time to sleep. Then I couldn't get back to sleep so I laid there feeling every twinge in my stomach (some more painful than others) and decided to get up. I had a shower, made the coffee and had some breakfast. The contractions were getting more strong. Soon Mark got up followed shortly by Abby. After Mark went to work, the contractions got worse. Really bad. If I hadn't already had an appointment to see the doctor, I would've gone to the hospital to get checked out. I dropped off Abby at a friend's house and went for my check up. I didn't even have a chance to sit down, that's how fast it was. He did the regular checks and asked me some questions. I told him that the contractions are getting a lot more intense but they still aren't regular. So he told me that it shouldn't be too much longer now (same line he's been using for two weeks now!) And I get to go back on Wednesday. It's a good thing I have such a good friend who is more than willing to look after Abby for me while I do all this. And it's an even better thing that Abby behaves better for other people than she does for me!

So I'm going to take it easy for the rest of the day. The contractions still hurt quite a bit but there's nothing else for me to do but sit around (and walk around) and wait.

Controlling Destiny

I've stopped trying to induce labour (or at least attempt all the things the Internet says induces labour). I found that by trying to control something that I have no control over only makes me feel guilty (and useless) when it fails. So I have come to terms with the fact that this child will come when it's good and ready. And it just might possibly be late. Oh, and I'm no longer listening to anyone (including the doctor) when they tell me that it shouldn't be too much longer now. The doctor told me within the week. He has two days for this to happen. Truth is, you don't know. He doesn't know. I don't know. Every night I go to bed and wonder what will happen if I go into labour in the middle of the night. And every morning I wake up still pregnant. And the sad thing is, I haven't even reached my due date. I should not be feeling like this. So I've decided to stop. Sooner or later, I will have my baby. If it does go late, like Abby, I will still have my baby. If it happens in the next 2 hours, I will still have my baby. (But then at least I don't have to make supper!) And if it happens to complicate a few parent teacher interviews, then too bad. That's right, I'm pulling the selfish pregnant lady card. You can reschedule your kid's interview.

So now there's not too much to do around the house. Mark has the rest of the weekend before he's back at school. I think he'll be happy to get back. He's been kinda bored around here. Nothing to do except stare at my stationary tummy. At least at work he'll have some distractions.

It's supposed to be a nice day tomorrow - rain has stopped and the crazy wind has settled down finally. Hopefully we can get outside and enjoy the fresh air. I've been cooped up in here for too long.

Things I Wished Would Induce Labour

1. Large amounts of chocolate. Preferably with peanut butter.
2. Naps.
3. Ice cream.
4. Everytime someone asks if you're ready to be done.
5. Watching bad TV.
6. Having everything set to go.
7. Hours on the internet.
8. Sitting around, doing nothing.
9. Eating, in general.
10. Sheer will.

My appointment went went. Shouldn't be too much longer now. Baby is still kinda high but it has dropped an inch in the last week. He doesn't think I'll go over (guess that means I will). So now I'm waiting. Might as well have some breakfast and get ready for the day.

And don't worry. I am on Facebook and Twitter and I text regularily. I will let you know if something happens!